I Hate the Curse
I really do. No, I'm not talking about the Red Sox. That curse has been buried forever. I'm talking about THE curse. The one that keeps us from living in a perfect world, and cultivating perfect relationships with everyone. The one that keeps us crying, sighing, and hurting. The one that keeps us from transparency with each other.
The curse has made me cynical. Or rather, seeing effects of the curse has made me cynical. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean there is now always a little seed of doubt in my mind about the sincerity of students in many of the interactions I have with them. Most of them seem like great people, and I want to believe that. I also want to think they would respect me enough not to try and deceive me, especially if it's for something really, really small, like getting an extra point or two on a test.
Examples? When I pass back tests and we go over them, on occasion students show me errors I made in correcting. Usually I give them the points, as it probably is my mistake. But I also usually scrutinize the test to make sure they haven't tried to doctor the answer in some way. After all, pencil can easily be erased, right? And I can't watch 30 students at once. So there is the possibility they might try to change an answer. This has happened before, where a student changes the answer and then claims I corrected it in error, so I know this kind of thing happens. Isn't that sad? Not only for what it says about kids, but for what it does to our relationship. Now I always have those seeds of doubt about whether it was my mistake, or the student was able to doctor an answer behind my back.
Today I was going over test answers with students, and could have sworn I saw a girl writing something down when I was giving the answer to something. Then she tells me later that I missed her (correct) answer. Sure enough, there it was squeezed onto the bottom of the page. I asked her if she was writing anything while we went over the tests, and she said no. Again, I really thought I saw her writing something. She seems to be a hard worker, has done extra credit work when few others have, and does well in the class. I really like the girl. But now I have this nagging thought in my head: is she a cheater? Is she trying to pull a fast one? I will give her the point, because it's not worth arguing over it. It also seems totally silly that she would try such a thing. I suspect some reading this right now think it silly that I suspect she may have cheated. But because of my past experience with cheaters (I've gotten "burned," so to speak) it is very difficult for me not to have questions. Again, the cynicism has developed because there have been students in my experience who try to cheat. Now it is difficult to separate them from the good, honest, hard-working ones. If you ever want an illustration for how sin negatively effects groups of people beyond just the sinner, this is one to use. The sin of a few has tarnished the perception of students as a group.
Dealing with fallen human nature has had its repercussions in correcting papers as well. If a student writes a paper that just sounds too good for their ability, I check to see it hasn't been plagiarized. Sometimes it has, I catch them, and they get busted. But last year I also had a student write an extremely good paper that had no evidence of plagiarism. I was sooo impressed, and I sang her praises in writing and to her face about it. Her performance on it was better than any of her other assignments. Though I think it was a legitimate paper, and I really want to believe that it was, I still have that question in the back of my head: was it copied somehow? Did she figure out a way to escape detection? I hate that I have these thoughts. Again, the curse at work.
Part of the problem may be that I have a highly tuned sense of justice and fairness, and work hard to see that applied to all of my students. I also want to think the best of them. These are conflicting forces, because while I like my students, the thought of someone getting the same grade by cheating as someone who works hard kills me. Figuratively, of course.
Of course, there is a permanent and temporary solution to my dilemma. The former is when the curse is ended, and all of us are honest in our dealings with each other. The temporary solution may be to consciously give up all doubts because of the fact that justice will be meted upon those who err, even if it's not me who administers the punishment or catches them in the act. Fortunately there are better eyes than mine watching over and waiting to deal with lawbreakers. Having said that, choosing to give up doubts is easier said than done.
The curse has made me cynical. Or rather, seeing effects of the curse has made me cynical. What do I mean by that? Well, I mean there is now always a little seed of doubt in my mind about the sincerity of students in many of the interactions I have with them. Most of them seem like great people, and I want to believe that. I also want to think they would respect me enough not to try and deceive me, especially if it's for something really, really small, like getting an extra point or two on a test.
Examples? When I pass back tests and we go over them, on occasion students show me errors I made in correcting. Usually I give them the points, as it probably is my mistake. But I also usually scrutinize the test to make sure they haven't tried to doctor the answer in some way. After all, pencil can easily be erased, right? And I can't watch 30 students at once. So there is the possibility they might try to change an answer. This has happened before, where a student changes the answer and then claims I corrected it in error, so I know this kind of thing happens. Isn't that sad? Not only for what it says about kids, but for what it does to our relationship. Now I always have those seeds of doubt about whether it was my mistake, or the student was able to doctor an answer behind my back.
Today I was going over test answers with students, and could have sworn I saw a girl writing something down when I was giving the answer to something. Then she tells me later that I missed her (correct) answer. Sure enough, there it was squeezed onto the bottom of the page. I asked her if she was writing anything while we went over the tests, and she said no. Again, I really thought I saw her writing something. She seems to be a hard worker, has done extra credit work when few others have, and does well in the class. I really like the girl. But now I have this nagging thought in my head: is she a cheater? Is she trying to pull a fast one? I will give her the point, because it's not worth arguing over it. It also seems totally silly that she would try such a thing. I suspect some reading this right now think it silly that I suspect she may have cheated. But because of my past experience with cheaters (I've gotten "burned," so to speak) it is very difficult for me not to have questions. Again, the cynicism has developed because there have been students in my experience who try to cheat. Now it is difficult to separate them from the good, honest, hard-working ones. If you ever want an illustration for how sin negatively effects groups of people beyond just the sinner, this is one to use. The sin of a few has tarnished the perception of students as a group.
Dealing with fallen human nature has had its repercussions in correcting papers as well. If a student writes a paper that just sounds too good for their ability, I check to see it hasn't been plagiarized. Sometimes it has, I catch them, and they get busted. But last year I also had a student write an extremely good paper that had no evidence of plagiarism. I was sooo impressed, and I sang her praises in writing and to her face about it. Her performance on it was better than any of her other assignments. Though I think it was a legitimate paper, and I really want to believe that it was, I still have that question in the back of my head: was it copied somehow? Did she figure out a way to escape detection? I hate that I have these thoughts. Again, the curse at work.
Part of the problem may be that I have a highly tuned sense of justice and fairness, and work hard to see that applied to all of my students. I also want to think the best of them. These are conflicting forces, because while I like my students, the thought of someone getting the same grade by cheating as someone who works hard kills me. Figuratively, of course.
Of course, there is a permanent and temporary solution to my dilemma. The former is when the curse is ended, and all of us are honest in our dealings with each other. The temporary solution may be to consciously give up all doubts because of the fact that justice will be meted upon those who err, even if it's not me who administers the punishment or catches them in the act. Fortunately there are better eyes than mine watching over and waiting to deal with lawbreakers. Having said that, choosing to give up doubts is easier said than done.
posted by redsoxwinthisyear at 4:10 PM
6 Comments:
Act like you trust them. Pity them for their loss of brainpower.
Don't trust them farther than you can throw them :-)
It's a sad fact though. And cynicism is such a slow, creeping thing that it rusts your armor up so gradually that you don't realize it for awhile. And then it takes forever to scrape off...
Way to spiritualize it and make me feel all guilty, DJ! :-)
Actually, thankfully, I believe I still have plenty of faith and all that for these kids. So I don't think the spiritual armor is rusty in this regard. Maybe my "cynicism" is better defined as "a keener realization" of the effects of the curse on human nature, which makes me see it for what it is: starkly ugly . This knowledge is not bad, so much as it is unpleasant, and it makes me look forward all the more to a time when the curse will be no more.
There, how's that for putting a positive spin on what I was all depressed about yesterday? As you can see, I'm rather ambivalent about my cynicism--er, knowledge.
We were just discussing this same thing tonight (me and some acquaintances) in other areas. Beggars, for instance. Some are truly needy and I should show them Christ's love through giving, but so many are addicts and losers, I never trust any of them. So the truly needy suffer because of all the liars.
Same with worthy causes asking for money. The conversation started with a pastor from Africa stating we should carefully check where our money is going before we ever contribute to the cause of the gospel in Africa, because he knows from personal experience that lots of "missionary support" goes into giving the missionary a huge home with all the comforts of home in the bush where everyone lives in poverty. And so we're all skeptical to do things we ought to do because of those we can't trust. Grrr...
No problem. Feel free to feel guilty on my account all you want, I won't charge a thing, heh, heh, heh...
:-)
...Wise as serpents, innocent as doves...There- you have it on Biblical authority: it's okay to be snakelike and check up on them. Sad... but it's your job.
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